Ecclesiastes 7:3

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening ~ R. Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.

His house is in the village though;

He will not see me stopping here

To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer

To stop without a farmhouse near

Between the woods and frozen lake

The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake

To ask if there is some mistake.

The only other sound's the sweep

Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

1923

Hello,

Welcome to my little place. I don't really know how to introduce my website but you can expect a just a mess, honestly. I wanted to finish this new layout before saying anything again but things kept getting in the way - mostly my own self and my incompetance - but I rest a little easy with the knowledge that this isn't social media. It's just a thing I made, for free, and people can look at it or stick around or do whatever, for free, without any sort of obligation.

The new theme is kind of "Ocean" themed and goes along with greys and blues that I am fond of. Yes, it's significantly colder than I'd rather it be, but I don't have it in me to make anything bright and beautiful or cheerful right now.

That's a pretty bad introduction. I honestly don't know what is here for you outside of a lot of words. I have a blog sort of, I have some projects to do with writing and I'm way too sad and tired right now to put much more effort into an introduction than that. That's all you're gonna get, really, for the time being; a very melancholic girl who doesn't know what's going on, like, ever. Sorry about that.

Sometime this 2024

About Me

I don't have the energy or care to write anything super detailed. Here's an edited version of some information, migrated from the last layout.

Some Basic Things
  • I love stationary, pens, paper, washi tape, wax seals, stickers, etc etc
  • Mt favourite palettes include greys, pinks, and creams. Lately, I've enjoyed gold as well
  • I'm a Virgo and Rooster (Chinese Zodiac)
  • My migraines are always extremely light sensitive and I dislike unnatural lighting just in general
  • I really like the horror genre but you'll catch me watching Stardust and The Cat Returns for the 60th time in my lifetime thus far
  • I'm a really messy person but I also stress clean
  • I'm really, really chatty and bubbly sometimes and then sometimes I'll ghost people for months and months on end. You should make note of this one in particular if you're gonna talk to me
  • Try as I might, I can't help but wear my heart on my sleeve if that makes sense...There's garbage in my brain and you're gonna see it if you keep on reading
  • I have a hard time thinking and talking, like, with my voice-box. Sometimes when talking to friends online, I'll pause to write out bullet points and then speak; I'd like to be a lot better at this and be able to think properly, without having to write it out first

Sometime this 2024

Faith

Now for the most essential thing about myself. I'm a Christian and I've been raised in a Christian household all my life, though I consider myself to be born-again based on how I came to truly desire God and give myself to Him. I affirm the Nicene Creed as my statement of faith. I've gone through a lot to get to this point in my life.

Since I feel like it's important to note, given that a lot of non-Christians call themselves Christian ("not everyone who says 'Lord, Lord,' will enter into the kingdom of Heaven"), being a Christian means the following (as it pertains to political things that have caused arguments in the past)

  • I am against abortion in literally every single scenario
  • I do not accept outspoken homosexuals as "Christian" (and various other types of people who claim to be Christian but mostly those who believe the Bible accepts homosexuality when it very, very clearly does not)

That's all I feel like putting there for now, Idk what else really, I just felt those two specifically are important to note because they likely will be the most 'triggering' for people who don't know me. I do not want to make my website a controversial place but I also am a very social person (in the online sphere) sometimes. Do not get mad at me for espousing Christian values on my own website. Do not get mad at me for warning you that I'm a Christian and then being surprised that I have Christian and traditional values. Do not start arguments with me and if you do, I likely will talk about you and make a petty blogpost.

I don't like arguing; it makes me extremely sad and that's why I haven't been active on Tumblr. Part of the reason why I have a website is because I wanted to be myself without persecution; I am never willing to wash out what I believe just to appease some stranger. Unfortunately, in order to not compromise my faith as well as start the least amount of arguments, I need to be a little harsh in how upfront I am about this sort of thing. With that in mind, if you do want to start an argument, know this: I value my Bible infinitely more than your opinions and personal experiences.

Sometime this 2024

Life Update? I guess

I don't even know what to write but I think I should write something because some individuals have emailed me, either to give courage or offer help with my webring and I see some activity on my feed in neocities as well. I'm really sorry for becoming a non-entity, the guilt and anxiety does eat at me but this probably won't be the last time it happens.

The current Ocean theme is because I've been feeling significantly down lately. School ended, I went to a party and had one of the best nights of my life and felt like the world wasn't gonna end, afterall. My hands are extremely cold as I type this. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I feel as though I'm at a stand-still with life in general. Still can't drive, don't have a job, there are a lot of things out of my control - or do I just not know how to take control? I went to England for a couple weeks and it was a supremly shitty time, London is Overstimulation Hell and I came back with food poisoning that I'm still not quite over after a WEEK of being back home.

When it comes to how I'm doing spiritually; I'm a spiritual vagabond. No church, family that doesn't turn me to Christ and often disregards spirituality or has mocked me and my efforts to get closer to God; no friends outside of online people who can't be here, really be here, when I really need them. Anyone. No one's ever been here in the way I've really needed them to be; just enough, just enough earnest words and sincere wishes to get me out of an immediately suicidal or extremely depressed state.

I may be stuck in one place but it seems I'm a wanderer with no goal or vision. More and more often I see suicide as the conclusion of all my thoughts. Right now, there's a kind of half-baked plan for how the end of the year will go and maybe it will go well, maybe I'll get my shitty writing together and actually make something, but even then I'm not pleased.

"Why do you refuse to be happy?" I'm not doing this on purpose. Or if I am, then it's because it's normal. This is just... the way things are for me, right now. I've tried to "make" myself happy and really, really ignore the quiet misgivings in my heart but what am I supposed to do when I'm just so fucking alone and have no way of making myself less alone? I make plans and things just sort of don't happen, either because it was a bad plan or something goes wrong or I'm insufficient or I'm too scared to act.

For right now, I'm just tired. Too tired for all the big things I wanted to do, too tired to get out of bed before 5 PM sometimes, too tired to even foolishly daydream that I might be worthy of love. Have I given up? A little bit. In a lot of ways. As I said, there's a half-baked plan where I'll clean out this one room in my house during the Winter and start trying to make something of my poorly writing abilities. Supposedly, shitty $1 fantasy romance e-novellas can make enough revenue to buy a camper and fund a life-long, "survive by the skin of your teeth" vagabond lifestyle. My Mother thinks that might be good for me though, I guess, and really the goal is probably just to get me out of the house by any means possible without leaving me homeless or at a dead-end. Which I'm not complaining about, I suppose... If I'm a spiritual vagabond, I may as well go and actualize that into reality. I already don't have a church so that's not keeping me to the ground. I already dream of running away and I'm being given a sort of shoddy 'for the foreseeable future' plan for that.

I guess my only complaint then, lies in the fact that the stars above my head, or beautiful mountains or sights to see on my travels wouldn't mean a thing to me. Why should it? Why should the stars hold any value when they can't reflect off the pit of tar that is my heart? They're glistening for a void, someone who can't appreciate anything beautiful in nature unless I can share it with someone I love and that's the ugly, selfish truth. But I'm getting ahead of myself. They're not even looking at me yet. I'm still just here; alone again, naturally.

Along Again, Naturally - Vulfmon

In a little while from now,

If I'm not feeling any less sour

-

I promised myself to treat myself,

And visit a nearby tower

-

Standing at the top,

Will throw myself off

-

In effort to make it clear to whoever

-

Just what it's like when you're shattered

-

Left standing in a lurch,

In a church where people're saying

-

"My God, that's tough," she stood him up,

"No point in us remaining"

-

"We may as well go home,"

As I did on my own

-

Alone again, naturally

Sometime this 2024

WIP

I need to edit and organize that list I had on my previous layout a bit.

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